Thunderous Blast!

I think everyone has their weakness. I believe that everyone has that one thing that no matter how hard they work at it or how hard they try, they simply can\'t shake the need for whatever that weakness is.

You see, I suffer from a very common ailment, it\'s called, \"Lactose Intolerance\". For those of you who don\'t know. This means that your body lacks the organisms in the digestive track needed to properly process dairy products.

So instead of a nice glass of milk being seamlessly passed through the bowels like your average Joe, I get to suffer and be what one of my favorite movie characters calls, \"farty and bloated\".

Having this condition you would think that I would stay away from dairy products... and for the most part I do. However like everyone else, I too have a weakness. My weakness takes the form of Snickers Ice Cream.

If you\'ve never had it, I would recommend it and if you\'ve had it, you know what I\'m talking about. This ice cream is the badass of all ice creams. When historians look back on the ice cream choices of our time they will know that Snickers stood at the forefront.

Well, as you can imagine I ate the shit out of some Snickers Ice Cream. I ate about three big hefty sized scoops. I loved every sweet bite of it. I however did not like the second experience I had with the Snickers Ice Cream, which took place tonight.

See, what had happened was...

I was sitting at my desk and suddenly... \"Gurgle Gurgle\"... Uh OH! I knew that the Snickers was back with a vengeance. I thought perhaps it was just dinner settling in my stomach. That thought quickly passed as I felt a huge nasty fart coming on. I positioned my butt cheeks in their usual pre-blast position (the one where your asshole is just going to open enough for the fart to come out, but not enough to where you shit yourself... takes years of Buddha training) and cuddled out a lengthy fart.

It smelled of burnt rubber and leathery bacon. The dog nearly threw up, as did my wife across the room. I sat in wonderment of my gaseous release, having only felt this proud as I do when I rip one on those hard plastic chairs at any public high school. The kind of fart that ripples and echoes enough to shake someone from a sound sleep.

As I gamed on in solitude, seeing as how my dog and wife had now found retreat in the other room, I felt it again... \"Gurgle Gurgle\". Only this time... lower, and with more weight. At this point I felt like a dove who just ate a box of Uncle Ben’s rice and drank a gallon of ice cold Evian... I knew any minute now my ass would explode!

I calmly walked to the bathroom, being sure not to let loose of the storm inside. I got comfortable and then, like flood gates being opened I let it loose. A sweet beautiful symphony of porcelain echoed gaseous expulsions emanated throughout the house. The dog hid.

Needless to say I spent the better part of 15 minutes in the bathroom letting loose the aftermath of the wonderful Snickers Ice Cream.

See... I can talk shit with the best of them

Comments:

Post a comment: